so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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