She is in my trunk
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
