I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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