So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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