I skipped work to stalk him.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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