Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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