You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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