We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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