im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
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