I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
