omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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