i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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