how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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