i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
