I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
