If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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