As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
