shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
