My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I am naked and annoyed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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