It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
