Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
