**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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