I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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