she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
