i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
