i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
