so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
