I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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