When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
