can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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