a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
