the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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