I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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