so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
