peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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