when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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