so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
