I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
