I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
