I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize