So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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