please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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