My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
