i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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