I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
