I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize