Little spoons don't ask big questions
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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