my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
