I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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