Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
