I want to make a zoo with you.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
