i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize