I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
