how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
