One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
