Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
