I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
