youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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