I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
