I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
