don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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