birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
