i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
