Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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